It's been too long. So long that we put behind us a birthday or two. Mika is two and some change. Change being five months, to be exact.
Where have I been and why now. Well I've been everywhere. Less physically (even though we visited Croatia for Christmas a year and a half ago and went on some other small trips), but I was or better to say AM more so on an emotional roller-coaster. And I hate roller-coasters. Especially emotional. Which would result in me having a lot of hate. And issues. Plenty. Want some? ...I didn't think so.
SO! That leaves us with why now? Because I really need help. Maybe internet Gods will help me. If not, maybe Battlestar Galactica Gods then. Any help, actually, would be more than welcome. And since I tried almost all medications possible in the past six months, maybe a little self help is due - because the meds are not working. I think they just made me more depressed actually. Not that I will stop taking them, because I don't dare. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression six months ago and I don't want to play doctor myself. But until I figure out if I want to stay with the same doctor or not, or ask for second opinion, maybe a bit of ranting online is due. Lucky you if you stumbled upon this. You may leave now, nothing good here. Just my good old self being negative. I will also try to pretend I have a sense of humor as an excuse so I can say something that actually matters as often as possible. Just to make fun of that self help concept. Because it sucks. Just give me a happy pill so everything becomes nice, pink and fluffy. With a nice cocktail, please.
So what is it that got me here? Well, I like to think it's a combination of wonderful things that I will even number as a list, because I like lists and it's my blog. Deal with it. Am I bitter? Hell yeah.
1. Postpartum depression that I never really took care of properly.
2. Being far from home from people I love and culture I'm used to.
3. Gaining so much weight that I don't know how to deal with it and it's beginning to rule my life.
Lie.
It always ruled my life, no matter how much overweight I was.
4. Not finding any friends here and feeling very 'adult deprived'.
5. I hate my work but can't really quit.
6. I'm home alone with Mika all day. Overwhelming.
7. I may or may not have a bipolar disorder.
8. Do I even need an eight?
I will probably at some point write about all of this, but for today just writing them down and making them more real seems enough. Now if I could only make myself to actually do it. Not forget about this for another two years. That would not be very helpful at all.
Where have I been and why now. Well I've been everywhere. Less physically (even though we visited Croatia for Christmas a year and a half ago and went on some other small trips), but I was or better to say AM more so on an emotional roller-coaster. And I hate roller-coasters. Especially emotional. Which would result in me having a lot of hate. And issues. Plenty. Want some? ...I didn't think so.
SO! That leaves us with why now? Because I really need help. Maybe internet Gods will help me. If not, maybe Battlestar Galactica Gods then. Any help, actually, would be more than welcome. And since I tried almost all medications possible in the past six months, maybe a little self help is due - because the meds are not working. I think they just made me more depressed actually. Not that I will stop taking them, because I don't dare. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression six months ago and I don't want to play doctor myself. But until I figure out if I want to stay with the same doctor or not, or ask for second opinion, maybe a bit of ranting online is due. Lucky you if you stumbled upon this. You may leave now, nothing good here. Just my good old self being negative. I will also try to pretend I have a sense of humor as an excuse so I can say something that actually matters as often as possible. Just to make fun of that self help concept. Because it sucks. Just give me a happy pill so everything becomes nice, pink and fluffy. With a nice cocktail, please.
So what is it that got me here? Well, I like to think it's a combination of wonderful things that I will even number as a list, because I like lists and it's my blog. Deal with it. Am I bitter? Hell yeah.
1. Postpartum depression that I never really took care of properly.
2. Being far from home from people I love and culture I'm used to.
3. Gaining so much weight that I don't know how to deal with it and it's beginning to rule my life.
Lie.
It always ruled my life, no matter how much overweight I was.
4. Not finding any friends here and feeling very 'adult deprived'.
5. I hate my work but can't really quit.
6. I'm home alone with Mika all day. Overwhelming.
7. I may or may not have a bipolar disorder.
8. Do I even need an eight?
I will probably at some point write about all of this, but for today just writing them down and making them more real seems enough. Now if I could only make myself to actually do it. Not forget about this for another two years. That would not be very helpful at all.
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