faway

Life is good. I am great. Funny how little there is to say when you are satisfied, as opposed to endless ranting we can do when we are depressed and unhappy. But I feel like I am in a great place right now. Trip to Croatia is coming light speed fast. I am leaving in less than three weeks. And I feel like I have so many thing ahead of me to look forward to. Bring it on! :)

I really have no idea what to write. I just know I have to write something because Nina told me so. I have a pause of five minutes between each sentence. I wonder if people that love to write, and it comes to them naturally, understand how hard (and uneventful) it can be for people...well, people like me. When I write I have that awful feeling of being in high school and having to write a two page essay on subject you don't know anything about, and if you did, it would probably bore you to death. (five minutes later) I'm watching Throw-down with Bobby Flay and scratching my right shoulder. See what I mean? Words just don't come easy.

We went to the pool today. Andrea, Chris, Mika and me. Mika loves water (as long as it's warm) so I sucked it up (figuratively and literally) and went. Everything was pretty much great, until fifteen minutes into it Chris comes to me with a weird-ed out face and says "Mika is pooped". Huh? So, you don't let your kid just run around in those swimmie diapers when he is pooped, right? All of us instantly started getting out of the pool, trying to be very sneaky about it as if nobody would notice us - as we are running out of there with our poopy child under one arm, football style. Screaming. I hate pools for two reasons. Ok, three. One is the smell of chlorine. Second is knowledge that without a doubt, in any given moment, somebody is peeing. I don't care what anyone says, it's a fact just like the earth being round and all that good stuff. And three is that I just hate the changing room, not before but after you are done with pool. I can never get dry enough in that tiny cubicle and my towel is always completely wet from my bathing suit even before I start the drying process. And putting on clothes on not dry yourself is a bitch. So poopy child. Well, he wasn't poopy. It is still unknown what happened. Andrea and me think that Chris just wanted to go home so he made it all up. He swears he didn't. What is obvious is that Chris thinks he has a see through vision or that if he thinks it, it must be it. However it happened, our swimming was a short story.
I'm a little better than yesterday, and a little better than that from two days ago. It is a great thing to be little better and not a little worse. But it's weekend and Chris is home. Ask me again on Monday.
And now the end. Of the post that is. I never know how to end these. A smart remark that sounds corny? A question? A slow easing into it. An exclamation! Or a more dramatic one, like STOP!

It's been a good day. What makes it good and not just horrendous, like most of my days, is a group of friends I have on Facebook. We started as a craft group and turned into a support group for just about everything. I never saw any of those people, and yet they help me by being there more than anyone I have present in my life right now. Because they are real, truthful and not pushy. And very, very caring. This is a post to say a BIG thank you to them. It helps knowing that someone out there cares like that, someone that has no history with me, doesn't really know me, but just takes a leap of faith and becomes friends with you, no matter the differences, and cares for you without judging. Isn't judging an awful thing? I hate it, but I'm guilty of it. We all are sometimes...but I'm really ashamed when I stop and think of myself like that. Maybe we are all more harsh to ourselves. What I hate even more is people that talk about other people doing it while themselves do it more than anyone. Now how did I find myself ranting about something again. Is that all I am now? I really hope not. I would give anything to see again a person I was ten years ago. Or even five, though to tell you the truth, five years ago I was already sick of being alone without my friends. And to think of how many I left back home, it makes me sick. Is there really something wrong with me that I can't find a friend here? I don't think I'm that bad of a company...but maybe I'm making excuses thinking I can't find one because everyone is either a Mormon or someone I really don't want to be around.
I have Chris and Mika. They are my world. Literally :D
Mika is learning about shadows, it is very cute, he stares at his shadow on the wall and gets so excited, then he wants Chris to do shapes and chases them around. He doesn't really want me to do it, like many things that he doesn't want me to do. I guess I deserve it because honestly, I'm not the worlds greatest mom. I'm so preoccupied with depression, boredom and loneliness, that he suffers because of it. Many times instead of taking him outside, I go online to see what my friends are doing. I am also very ashamed of that, but somehow I can't change it right now. I suck. I wish for the days to go by faster, and sometimes I realize that it is our lives that are going without me really participating. Scary.

It's been too long. So long that we put behind us a birthday or two. Mika is two and some change. Change being five months, to be exact.
Where have I been and why now. Well I've been everywhere. Less physically (even though we visited Croatia for Christmas a year and a half ago and went on some other small trips), but I was or better to say AM more so on an emotional roller-coaster. And I hate roller-coasters. Especially emotional. Which would result in me having a lot of hate. And issues. Plenty. Want some? ...I didn't think so.
SO! That leaves us with why now? Because I really need help. Maybe internet Gods will help me. If not, maybe Battlestar Galactica Gods then. Any help, actually, would be more than welcome. And since I tried almost all medications possible in the past six months, maybe a little self help is due - because the meds are not working. I think they just made me more depressed actually. Not that I will stop taking them, because I don't dare. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression six months ago and I don't want to play doctor myself. But until I figure out if I want to stay with the same doctor or not, or ask for second opinion, maybe a bit of ranting online is due. Lucky you if you stumbled upon this. You may leave now, nothing good here. Just my good old self being negative. I will also try to pretend I have a sense of humor as an excuse so I can say something that actually matters as often as possible. Just to make fun of that self help concept. Because it sucks. Just give me a happy pill so everything becomes nice, pink and fluffy. With a nice cocktail, please.

So what is it that got me here? Well, I like to think it's a combination of wonderful things that I will even number as a list, because I like lists and it's my blog. Deal with it. Am I bitter? Hell yeah.

1. Postpartum depression that I never really took care of properly.
2. Being far from home from people I love and culture I'm used to.
3. Gaining so much weight that I don't know how to deal with it and it's beginning to rule my life.
Lie.
It always ruled my life, no matter how much overweight I was.
4. Not finding any friends here and feeling very 'adult deprived'.
5. I hate my work but can't really quit.
6. I'm home alone with Mika all day. Overwhelming.
7. I may or may not have a bipolar disorder.
8. Do I even need an eight?

I will probably at some point write about all of this, but for today just writing them down and making them more real seems enough. Now if I could only make myself to actually do it. Not forget about this for another two years. That would not be very helpful at all.

Insane. Why does time always go by so fast when you least want it to?! Maja and Senka arrived a week ago tomorrow. We have done exactly nothing yet. OK, we went to Tanger Outlets in Park City. And to dinner at Fridays. That is it.





Senka and me got sick on Friday morning. That kinda killed the weekend and Senka is not getting better yet. We both threw up on Friday and had other pleasant side effects...
I finally feel better this morning, I was even better yesterday afternoon, but Senka isn't.





We went to the South Jordan Fair last night, there was all these nothingness there.
And goats. Lots of goats.





We also went to Temple Square yesterday afternoon, so the girls can see the Temple and stuff. It was funny and we would have had a great time if I didn't feel like I was going to collapse. There were all these brides and wedding peoples there, all taking photos! Maybe that is normal on Saturdays this time of year. I wouldn't know. I just know we went straight in among everyone and at one point we were caught up in the middle of these photo clicking moment five feet from the bride. It was quite embarrassing.





Our big plan is to get Senka well and if possible go to Gateway downtown tomorrow. And as soon as she is completely good to empty my alcohol supplies.





Mika looked at me the other day and said mama. I think it's a phase where he just says mamamammamamama a lot. But at that moment he really did look at me and he said mama. I just about melted! He is also very into laughing and sticking his tongue out...




And for the last picture, here he is being really smart and reading a book that Maja ans Senka brought him from Zagreb:

Two more hours and I will start getting ready to go to the airport and get "my girls", Maja and Senka. Maja and Senka are sisters, and they are FUN FUN FUN!
There will be lots of cooking, shoping, driving, drinking and all those sorts of stuff in the following three weeks while they will be here. Then they are leaving for San Francisco for a week before returning to Croatia. They will be going to that outdoor three day long rock concerts they have every year in San Francisco. It starts with an O. Should I go ask google what it's called?
Yeah...
.
.
.
Google is also fawesome.
Outside Lands Music Festival.

There. I am not going. I have a child. I do not have money. Those two will do it for you...

So what is also really interesting? The fact that Mogwai decided to start teething tonight. Like for real. Crying cranky screaming and with a slight fever too. It is his welcoming gift for the girls. I wonder what tomorrow will look like with them here and a baby that decided he will never sleep again?

I am not apart (booey) of Tuesdays with Dorie yet. I don't know how to even begin, and frankly, I don't even dare right now. But they make soooo many fawesome recipes. When I saw this, I knew I would have to make it, even without my uncontrollable fear of yeast dough!
Anyway, this recipe has been chosen by Denise from Chez Us. If someone wants to try it out, go there for complete recipe and instructions!

I only wish I had plums from home. They are smaller and so much tastier, I don't know how you call them in US, but I've seen them a while ago when lady from work brought some from her tree. I used these:





As far as the dough goes, I followed the recipe word for word and I did manage to be patient and let it in the fridge overnight. The thought of wonderful warm brioche tart for breakfast gave strength! :o)





In the morning I pushed the dough in my quiche pan and then spread some jam on it and put the sliced plums on it and sugar mixed with pecans. I love pecans and had them home so I went with that instead of walnuts. I also didn't have any plum jam (which I actually made with my mom recently, but it was so good that we ate it with a spoon and it was soon gone). I used lemon-lime marmalade that we also made. Delish!






So, what did I manage to mess up this time? I did not have any aluminum foil home, so I had to take the tart out of the oven before the sugar got completely caramelized or the whole thing would be burned. We lived though, it was still very very tasty.







There is one thing that I think it would make this even better. At least for my tummy :o)...
I would add some grated orange and lemon zest to the dough. Definitely orange if just one. Maybe I would even try putting a teaspoon or two of maraschino in it. Anyway, I will make it again for sure. It's a keeper.