faway

DUDE!!!
I'm freaking out. I really don't care about me, but Mogwai is just five months old and I am terrified what could happen to him if he gets sick with this flu!
I talked to his pediatrician about it and it helped me a tiny bit. Since then I started getting out of the house a little bit more ad taking Mogwai with me. We even go to the store every now and then.
Before? Well, I was absolutely consumed with panic, anxiety and utter fear. I was not able to go ANYWHERE out of the house, I was almost scared to go to the back yard. I know it sounds totally crazy, but I do not choose to feel like this. When I do, I have no control over it. And I hate loosing control...
Anyway, talking to his doc made me realize that not every infant that gets this H1N1 flu dies. Before that I was certain that if he gets it, he would die. Not an easy thing to handle, let me tell you. I was stocking up on food, hand sanitizer and masks. Ha, Ha. No, not funny actually. I am a little more realistic now, I am trying to put some perspective on the hole thing. I would tell myself then that we had only a few deaths in the whole US and only one here in Utah, and barely over a hundred cases locally. Ah yeah...those numbers have gone dramatically up since then. I can feel it coming back. I DON'T WANT IT BACK!!! I do not feel like in prison again, awaiting the worst...I do not want to have to make excuses to people why they can't come and see Mogwai, or why we will not be able to go somewhere.
I am supposed to go home for Christmas, actually for a full month. What if this freaking thing gets worse? Do I buy the plane tickets or not? Do I risk putting my baby on a plane? But I also can't handle thinking that I will not be able to go.
I am already daydreaming about Croatia. I look forward to seeing my friends, meeting my friends new little daughter, walking with them around the streets I miss, eating sausages and spiced hot vine. I haven't had a Christmas with my hole family since 2003! I can't wait for it all, and Mogwai's fist Christmas...pretty please piglets, be nice and take your flu back.