faway

Ah, to be in Moab for just one more day...
I'm quite sad to be back. Depressed. Reality is brutal.
I spent the most of the day searching for every single piece of paper from hospitals and insurance, we are finally at the point where there is nothing else to do than hire an attorney. No more consultations and crap, we need to get one and start sending official letters and making some steps that we cannot do on our own.

Mogwai has been exceptionally cranky today, I knew babies like their schedules, but I didn't quite experienced the full blown effect of not following it until today. He likes to sleep till ten with me in the morning, it took a while for both of us to get used to it, but he sleeps with us from when he wakes up in the dawn, and as long as I am ready to feed him when he asks, he sleeps good. He still naps through out the day, and goes to sleep for the night between eight and ten. Well we woke up the kid at seven on Saturday, and at 5:30 yesterday. Today he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wants to sleep but can't fall asleep so he screams. He is hungry but he is distracted with the tiniest little noises so he doesn't get fed properly and loses interest in it, which makes him want to eat every hour. I hope tomorrow goes better...

I am very proud I've been breastfeeding him till now. I honestly didn't think I would make it past the first two weeks, and here we are, over five months into it! It gets me very sad when I think of not having that connection with him anymore, almost like he wont be so completely and unconditionally mine anymore. I know it's so stupid to think like that, and I would have never guessed it, that it would mean so much to me. I went into it only because of him, because I know the benefits of it, and I wanted to be able to say that I tried. It was hard from the very first second, and it is still hard. Mika bites. I don't know what to do, and how to tell no to a five month old boy.The pain is sometimes excruciating, making me look at parts of my labor when I thought I was going to die with nostalgia. I don't want to stop, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I am scared what it will do to our relationship. He wont love me anymore, I will be like everyone else. I was so silly before to think this would not matter to me so much. It is my ultimate purpose in life to feed and nurture someone. I always try to stuff food in peoples mouth to the point where I am annoying everyone. Well, whenever I want to try to stuff food in Mogwai's mouth, he looks at me with utmost love and admiration. Then he asks for more. How do you give up on that? I need to be needed.